


Blue Eyes

by luckybeargirl



Series: Blue Eyes [1]
Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Gen, Winona Kirk (POV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-09-16
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckybeargirl/pseuds/luckybeargirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Winona couldn't stand the sight of her son and the one time all she could do was stare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Day He Was Born

George is dead and she wants to die too. Winona wants to curl up in ball and hide in a dark place until she wakes up in George’s arms and he tells her that it’s all been a bad dream. His last words echo in her mind and she feels her breath shorten. How is she going to live without him? An infant’s cry interrupts her thoughts and she turns her attention to the bundle in her arms. She hasn’t really looked at her son yet and after hushing him she distracts herself from life by counting his fingers and toes and studying his tiny features. He is her little Jimmy and he is perfect. He yawns and she smiles though her tears. Winona holds her breath as he blinks waiting to see what he’ll do next but the moment she gets a good look at his eyes what’s left of her world shatters. They’re an impossible shade of blue that she has only seen on one other person. Jimmy has George’s eyes. She has just enough sense left to hand him over to the doctor before she does something horrible and then she rolls to her side turning her back to him. She can hear Jimmy start to cry but can’t find it within herself to care. The full impact of George’s death hits her again an she beings to sob and then to scream. She feels the prick of a hypo on her neck and everything starts to darken. Her last sight is of a distressed nurse holding her crying son. Jimmy stole George’s eyes and she’s not sure can ever forgive him for it. The day they return to Earth she will take him in her arms again, but it will be years before she can really look at him.


	2. The Day He Crashed The Car

It’s a sin against nature when a mother can’t stand the sight of her own son. It’s even worse when the boy’s only crime is looking too much like a dead man. Jimmy is the last gift that George gave her and she loves him in a way that few would ever understand, but there are days that she just can’t bear to look at him. It’s his eyes, they haunt her. Every year he looks more and more like his father and sometimes she just can’t take it. When it gets to be too much she flees to space for a couple of weeks. She does good work when she’s in the Black and sometimes she even feels closer to George so she buries whatever guilty feelings she has in the Iowa dirt and goes on her missions. She’s sure that Jimmy knows that he is the reason for her trips and that makes her hate herself even more. 

She marries Frank for two reason; she needs someone to watch her sons when she goes into Space and he is absolutely nothing like George. She can see nothing of her late husband’s looks, temperament, or beliefs in the man and that makes him perfect. Sam hates him right away, but Jimmy gives him chance. The chance doesn’t last very long but by the time things start to get bad the pressure is building in her chest again and she can barely look at Jimmy without breaking down. Space is calling her.

She is off-world the day that Jimmy almost kills himself and Sam tries to runaway. Her heart stops when she gets Frank’s angry comm about Jimmy, George’s antique car, and a cliff. Her son needed her and she was light-years away. She cries when she finds out it will be a month before she can get back to Earth. When her feet finally do touch Iowa dirt she wraps her arms around her boys and never wants to let go. Frank starts ranting about ungrateful thieving brats and Sam begins firing back, but it is Jimmy that holds her attention. Jimmy, who had always been the star of the show and the life of every party is quiet and very still. He won’t look at her either. Winona slowly looks him over and notices that he is covered in bumps and bruises. When she ask what happen Frank tells her he got them when he jumped out of the car, but that happened a month ago and most of these injuries look no older than two or three days. Something else had happened to her baby and she didn’t know! She makes a promise to herself and to Jimmy that she wont leave anymore. 

It takes less than two months for everything to fall apart. Jimmy is acting almost like his old self again. He wouldn’t tell her where the bruises came from and it worries her. Frank had seemed almost pleased that he was hurt and Winona really doesn’t want to think about what that might mean. She hasn’t worked up the courage to ask Jimmy if Frank hit him yet, but she’s been working on it. It still causes her pain to look at him sometimes and it worse now because she knows that she is failing him and she wants to be better, but it just hurts so much. It keeps building and building until the morning they wake up and find Sam gone. He ran away again. He doesn’t get far before Frank literally drags him back to the house by the hair of his head. Winona darkest nightmare plays out as she watches her husband land four good punches and a solid kick to her oldest son’s middle. Frank falls before he can land punch number five and she will forever wish that she was the one who stopped the bastard. It was Jimmy, her phaser secure in his hand, who stunned Frank. His hands were steady and his face was molded into a expression she had never seen him wear before. He looked up at her and his too blue eyes blazed. For a moment she wondered if he was possessed by the ghost of his father. The ache inside of her multiplied and her soul screamed for escape. She tried to push it down but something must have shown in her eyes because Jimmy made a small noise, handed her the phaser, and then walked away. 

She couldn’t stand the sight of her son. It sickened and horrified her but it was the truth. Frank was gone and she needed to go too. The screaming in her soul was threatening to overtake her when her salvation commed her. George’s sister wants the boys to come and visit. It will be good for them and for her. She could go on a few mission and get herself centered and Sam and Jimmy could have their own special adventure. Winona’s heard wonderful things about Tarsus IV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Like it? Hate it? Please let me know.


	3. The Day He Came Back From Tarsus IV

For as long as she lived Winona would hate herself with a passion. She had made many mistakes over the past few years but what she’d done this this time was unforgivable. She had been selfish. She had wanted her freedom and she had sent her children into hell to get it. The fall out of the death and destruction they had been apart of would be life long and there was nothing she could do. There was nothing she wanted to do and that sickened her. It was like George had died all over again and she just wanted to turn her back on everything and ignore the sounds of a crying child. Sam was dead. Her oldest child, the light of her life was buried in some mass unmarked grave on an alien world. He had been killed by a madman, but she was the one who had sent him to his death. What kind of a mother sends her children into genocide? Pain racked though her and her soul screamed. It hurt so much! Why did he have to suffer? Why was he the one to die? 

A sharp noise rang though the house and she shot up from the bed. Jimmy! No, he wanted to be called Jim now. Jim must need her. He was a different child. The light, free spirited boy that she had sent to Tarsus IV had not come back. She was living with a ghost now. He was in the kitchen going though the cabinets and she was happy the she had gone to the store the day before. Her baby had been starving and he was still painfully thin. She wanted as much food in the house as she could get. Jim needed to know that he could have anything he wanted any time he wanted it. He would never have to worry about going hungry again. Winona knew that he kept food up in his room. She hadn’t said anything yet but she would have to soon. He was safe here and she would make sure that he knew that.

He turned and looked at her the moment she stepped into the room. The look on his face was both terrifying and heartbreaking. She was sure that he looked a lot better than he did when he was first rescued but she felt a blade tear though her heart every time she saw his face. She had done this to her baby boy! She reached out to touch his still hollow cheek but he quickly batted her hand away. His whole body tensed up ready to spring into action and she dammed herself a million times. Jim didn’t like to be touched. He stared at her with a blank gaze. The dark purple bruises under his eyes bring out the unnatural blue that chased her though her nightmares. His eyes still looked way to much like George’s but they were different now. There was a blankness to them the frightened her. The familiar pressure built up in her chest again, now accented with sharp rips of pain around her heart. He just kept staring at her and it was getting to be too much. Why was he looking at her like that? Why was her torturing her with his too blue eyes? Winona knew everything was her fault. She had fail him as a mother and she had killed his brother. She admitted it! What more did he want from her?

She needed to go. She had to have a few moments free from his eyes so that she could breath. She had sworn that she wouldn’t leave him anymore but she didn’t know if she could live with his blank stare and blue eye. Something must have given her thoughts away because his look suddenly turned dark and an expression of disgust crossed his face. He whirled around and ran from the house without saying a word. Winona started to yell for him but she felt the tightness in her chest lessening and her panic subsiding. Maybe it would be good for Jim to get out of the house for a little bit. She would let him go for a few hours and if he wasn’t back by dark she would go look for him. The pain in her heart flared again and she returned to her bed. She had killed one child and turned the other into a ghost. Her selfish need for time for herself had sent her sons into hell. She would give Jim whatever the space that he wanted. It was time she started being a better mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I'm completely happy with how this chapter turned out. It came out a little differently than I had planned. Please let me know what you think.


	4. The Day He Chose Starfleet

Winona was not a violent person but the moment her fist connected with flesh she understood why Jim got into so many fights. It felt good to hit the bastard. Her hand didn’t even hurt. She considered hitting him again but held back, he still didn’t know why she was pissed off. It didn’t even look like he recognized her, but there was a good deal of blood coming out of his nose so maybe he was a little distracted. It seemed like his nose might be broken. Good, maybe now he won’t stick it where it isn’t welcome. She drew in a deep breath and opened her mouth to let him have it. Christopher Pike had messed with the wrong woman and she was going to make him regret ever looking in her son’s direction. 

Jim had been going though a very difficult time in his life. He had lost his way and was trying to find it again. The fact that he was looking for it in bars, bedrooms, and jail cells didn’t matter. Her son would be ok, he just needed time. Pike had no reason to interfere. What did he think he was doing talking to her baby boy? Just because he needed recruits did mean he had to prey on Jim. Starfleet had taken her husband, it wasn’t going to get her son. She wasn’t the world’s best mother but she was not going to let Jimmy die in space. 

It appeared that Pike had finally realized who she was and why she had smashed him in the nose. He didn’t look sorry. He smiled, the son of a bitch actually smiled at her! Winona went to launch herself at him again when she felt someone grab her from behind.  
She thrashed around until she got a good look at the man holding her. Unnaturally blue eyes bore into her and she felt herself go limp. He was dressed like a cadet and Winona’s mind flashed to the first time she seen George in the uniform. They could be twins. The pressure in her chest swelled but she fought it back. She needed to get Jim away from this place. He needed to be home with her. 

The look in his eyes was horrible. He was mad at her for coming to save him! The things he was saying to her hurt but it was the way he was looking at her that made it unbearable. Why didn’t he understand? The uniform wasn’t helping either. God, he even sounded like George. How was that even possible? The pressure welled again and she fought it as hard as she could. She needed to get though this. Jim’s life could depend on this. His eyes had turned cold and the things he was saying turned more vicious. He didn’t want to be saved, not by her. His tone stayed even but each word he said cut her a little more. His oh so blue eyes tormented her as he ran her into the ground with his words. He was choosing Starfleet over her. Whatever was in her chest snapped and she took a staggering step back. His eyes were triumphant, the blue blazed, burning what was left of her soul. She shot a quick look at Pike and saw an older cadet running a tricorder over his face. The doctor was murmuring about crazy women as he checked the reading on the machine and gave Pike the results. She did break his nose! The joy was short lived. Jim grabbed her attention by pounding the final nail in the coffin. He wanted her to look at him. He told her to look him in the eye and see him. She tried but it hurt. The blue haunted her and suddenly it became to much. She turned her head. He laughed. He laughed and told her to go back to Iowa. Then he walked away. Jim choose Starfleet over his own mother and she wasn’t even able to look him in the eye while he did it.


	5. The Day He Recieved Command

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a little extra time so I thought I post this chapter a few hours early. Let me know what you think of it.

Winona sat quietly in the balcony of the auditorium watching as Jim was given command of the Federation’s Flagship. A good mother would be proud of her son, but Winona was never a good mother. She hates herself at this moment. She despises the way she feels and wishes that she could be a better person for her son. He looks so much like George now that it’s almost impossible to look at him, especially when he’s in uniform. 

A large cheer erupts and the formal part of the event is over. She stays seated and watches as the family members of the other crewmen go down into the main section of the hall to met their loved ones. They are laughing and crying and embracing each other and Winona knows that that is how it is suppose to be. She should be down there right now with her arms lock around Jim, telling him how wonderful he is and how proud she is of him. She doesn’t move.   
Three years ago Jim choose Starfleet over her. He cut her out of his life and made it very clear that she was to stay away. She had been hurt and angry, but she had also been afraid. She waited for the comm. She waited for the impersonal message that Starfleet would send her to let her know that the son that hated her would never be coming home. The comm never came but an invitation to a party did. It was Jim’s idea of a peace offering and she jump at the chance to reconnect with her son. She should have paid more attention to what they were celebrating 

Her son helped save the world. You couldn’t turn on a news vid without hearing his name. Jim is hero, just like his father and it makes her sick. Heroes don’t live very long. Winona wants to go to him but her stomach is turning and the pressure in her chest is building. If she looks into his unnaturally blue eyes she’ll be lost and he’ll know it. He always knows when she’s lost to his eyes. He’s been through enough. She won’t ruin today for him. 

Winona gathers her things and slips from the room. If she hurries she can catch the next flight to Iowa. When she’s home she’ll do what she has always done, bury her guilt in the Iowa dirt and wait for the comm that will finally destroy what is left of her. Winona was never a good mother. How could she be when she couldn’t stand the sight of her son? She hurts Jimmy, so she’ll stay away until the blue of his eyes no longer haunt her.   
She hopes George will forgive her for everything she’s done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left to go. Let me what you think of this one.


	6. The Day He Was Born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the last chapter of 'Blue Eyes.' I hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing it. Please let me know what you think.

George was dead and for the first time in thirty years Winona didn’t want to die too. Sitting quietly in the hospital room she cooed to the soft bundle in her arms. The warm weight of her grandson a soothing balm on her ruffed up soul. She felt tears pick her eyes as the newborn whimpered in his sleep. Jim was by her side in an instant. Her son was turning out to be an nervous father.

Winona wanted to laugh but kept her amusement to herself. Her relationship with Jim was too new for jokes and she had no right to comment on how he treated his child. She had been a bad mother. She had never truly ‘seen’ Jimmy, for most of his life he had been George’s ghost. She hated herself for that. Even now after months of working toward a reconciliation it was sometimes hard to look him in the eyes. 

The baby let out a cry and Winona focused her attention on him. Shooing Jim away she rocked gently, claming the child. She would be a good grandmother! Too much had happened for her to be the mother that Jim deserved but she still had a chance with the miracle in her arms. She would do whatever in took to be everything that her boys needed her to be.

Her grandson squirmed and Winona took time to really look him over. Ten fingers and toes attached to small arms and legs. A full head of blonde hair and cute little tummy. He was perfect in every way. He fluttered his tiny lashes and she smiled. Slowly, sleepily he opened his eyes.

Two unnaturally blue eyes peered up at Winona. All she could do was stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that’s it, what do you think? I know that this chapter is about Winona looking at her grandson and not Jim but when I sat down to write this is what came out. I tried five different endings, this is the only one I liked. 
> 
> I left the ending open on purpse. Does Winona keep her promise and be the grandmother she wants to be or will the fact that her grandson has blue eyes make her turn away? You can find out in the compainion piece to this story called 'Through the Eyes of a Son.' It's Jim's POV of the events in 'Blue Eyes.'


End file.
